A man’s pride and joy is his automobile. To know all you need to know about him, look to his car. If he’s attempted to repair, or to ‘improve’ it, with wood or cardboard, there’s just a chance that he might be one strange and dangerous individual. There’s just a chance he might be a redneck.
10) Redneck Spoiler
The phrase is ‘spare the rod, spoil the child,’ not ‘add spoilers to your car if you’re a total rod.’ Spoilers work like upside down wings on racing cars, ensuring that they don’t take off. There’s absolutely no reason to put them on any kind of normal car. Making them out of wood just makes you look like a tool. You were probably the guy asking for a pine finish for your people carrier. So you could put a bear’s head on the front.
9) Cardboard Bodywork
That’s some swell stuff homeboy. This one really is worse than nailing wooden spoilers to your trunk. There’s never, ever an excuse for sticking cardboard to the side of your car. Ever. It doesn’t matter if you’re going to paint over it, it doesn’t matter if you “just want to see how it looks.” This is a sure fire way to become the laughing stock of your friends and neighbors. If you’ve laid your hands on a real automobile, you should definitely not turn it into a kiddy fort.
8) Tractor Wheels
Whether it’s drag racing or monster trucks, rednecks love big wheels. It takes something really special to add gigantic tractor wheels to the side of your vehicle – the great outdoorsman’s ATV on-the-cheap, if you will. And it must be hell on the suspension.
7) Redneck Stretched Hummer
“I want some kind of gigantic vehicle. Like a hummer. A stretched hummer – but not actually a hummer. And I want it done cheap. Real, real cheap. And I don’t care about the paint job.” So, we imagine, said the owner of this vehicle when he explained exactly what kind of mismatched behemoth he hoped to have constructed for his driving pleasure. However, this is a vehicle that, at very best, has been left half pimped.
6) Truck Exhausts
You’ve tricked your car out in the style of a truck. Wonderful. However, not actually being a truck, and lacking a cabin in the back, your chances of terrifying other road users or murdering hookers (see cinema 1971-present) are significantly reduced. But we do know you love trucks. Speaking of which…
Bonus Entry: TruckNutz
If you love trucks you might also love nuts. These Nutz that is – testicles to attach to the rear of your vehicle, in order to show that you’re a jackass.
5) Homemade Pick-Up
Well darn it, you’ve bought a station wagon but you wanted a pick-up truck. Well, why not just crudely hack the back off your vehicle to make a convenient load bearing shelf. There, it’s fixed. You’re a redneck.
4) Wood Effect
There’s wood paneling and then there’s wood effect. You’d obviously rather be driving around in a little cabin on wheels, but you’ve only gotten half way and instead have managed to make your car look like a staircase. Poor effort.
3) The Mobile Hot Tub
If you want to lay back in some cool water, taking it easy and drinking a beer, what better place than a hot tub? However, as they say, a redneck’s pick-up is his castle, and if you also want to be able to burn rubber if need be, then why not stick the tub in the back of your vehicle. Then you can make a speedy exit if your meth lab goes up in flames. The unfortunate thing is that this is the exact way that Xzibit would ‘pimp’ the same car. But it would have more skulls on it.
2) The Wild West Mobile Home
Did we say we were opposed to cabins on wheels? Only when done badly. The redneck house on wheels is a thing of magnificence, of beauty. Strapping a ton of balloons to the roof of your cottage might be a great way to lose your roof (as not depicted in the film Up), but putting your house on wheels really is a goer. If Mad Max was set in the Old West, this would be the vehicle of choice – the veritable homestead on wheels. But, be in absolutely no doubt, if you should live in this roaming mobile home you absolutely are a redneck. And this is completely ridiculous.
1) The Redneck Roller Coaster
Country music, cow-tipping and spitting are all signs that there’s not very much to do in the Southern States. With that in mind, here comes the redneck roller coaster, the most lethal daredevil car mod ever imagined. In fact, it’s not so much a car mod as an exciting new way to kill yourself.
So, secure a tractor bucket to the front of your vehicle, seat your nearest and dearest in it and then attempt to pitch your car into the ground to swing the bucket around. Just in case you were wondering who was driving the vehicle, they’ve put a moose skull on the front of the bucket, so the answer is a redneck.
In the above video you can see them smashing the skull after pitching a little violently. That’s what we call southern comfort.