It’s easy to be cruel about rednecks, but can you really think of a better life? What more could one want than to spend the day in the beating sun, sucking Colt 45 from the can, shirtless, with your feet cooling in a paddling pool, and free reign to shoot as many firearms and drive and as many flat-bedded vehicles as one wishes? There are a couple of downsides, though. No one wants to see their mom naked for instance, and most importantly, no one in their right mind could ever wish for this kind of hair… Right? Here are our top 10 most retarded redneck haircuts.
10. The Revenge
Picture the scene. You’ve been sat on your couch for so long that an ass shape has formed permanently on the cushion. The clock hits midnight, and you’re certain that over the monotonous noise of the late night television shows you’re half watching, as you lazily move corn chips from the bag to your face, you hear the front doorbell. You get up to take a look, and to your surprise, through the window you see a silhouette. You open the door. It is this man, and he’s really angry about all those years in high school you spent making fun of him for that haircut. Judgment day has arrived.
9. The Revenge’s Apprentice
Leaving aside this kid’s creepy grin, the haircut seen here is, at best, alarming. It must be one of the most confused examples of farmer barnet we’ve ever witnessed. He looks like someone carved it out of mashed potato, covered it in animal clippings and attached it to his head with Araldite. If you ever meet this kid, and he shoots you this expression, put your foot down and never return.
8. The Dr Zoidberg
One has to respect the audacity of both the recipient and giver of this particular hairy gift. It looks at first as though something is blasting out of the back of this fatso’s skull like a scene from Alien, then it looks like a gray bearded wizard from a kung fu movie, before it finally settles on a gibbon’s hand resting nonchalantly on the dude’s back.
7. The Jabba’s Palace
A prime example of what can happen when we give hair dye and razors to idiots. It’s mystifying enough that anyone would shave their eyebrows for any reason, but to go the whole hog and start taking chunks out of your head like a mangy dog is plain madness. There should be rules stopping people like this from being schoolteachers, ’cause she’d have scared the shit outta us in kindergarten.
6. The Big Breakfast
It’s hard to be that mean about this guy because he looks so damn happy and content. Well, happy and content for a big bowl of batter that’s about to be whipped and turned and poured into a big happy face pancake. You know it’s a bad hair day when your shitty mustache is a better example of a side parting than what’s on your head.
5. The Fear
Holy. Fucking. Shit. Get your kids, get your car, phone your mom and check she’s safe and get the fuck out of there. This kid is his own grandfather: he’s crafted a wig from previous victim’s hair, he owns a licensed firearm and he wants to use you as a sofa ’cause they don’t have Ikea in the woods.
4. The Crouching Laughter, Hidden Beating
This guy doesn’t just practice his fighting skills in the woods; his hair is the fuckin’ woods, which puts a whole metaphorical slant on his image. The long, mullet-esque backdrop is his attempt at recreating the waterfall-of-laughter teardrops which stream from his eyes as he thinks about how best to utilize his self-taught YouTube street fighting skills to PWN all his enemies. Which is everyone, ever.
3. The Garfunkel Dandelion Hedgerow Murderer
We’re cheating here slightly, not only because he isn’t that much of a hillbilly, but because we already know this guy is totally nuts. Phil Spector famously invented the wall of sound and then even more infamously splattered someone all over it. If you turn up to your trial looking like this, you’re gonna get convicted.
2. The Before the Slaughter
Crazy, screaming-at-the-ceiling daddy and mommy aside, making your kid wear such an unabatedly evil haircut is akin to tattooing a slur on their forehead and making them walk through the bad neighborhood on their way to school. What blows our mind is simply reminding ourselves that at some point, these people had to go into a barbershop and actually ask – with a straight face – for someone to charge them money to have this done to them.
1. The Miasma
A winning ‘do, simply due to the fact that it seemingly incorporates every other haircut on this list into one super-style conglomerate designed specifically to take over rural America. Every evil thought, every incestuous relationship, every stranger dragged lifelessly through town tied to the back of a pickup truck, every country and western canon sold mercilessly on cable television, every beer and every hog roast and hoedown. This haircut has it all. It is the internet of the redneck bouffant world. Thank you Michael.