10 Cute Cartoon Characters We’d Secretly All Like to Screw
We’ve all thought about it – which female cartoon characters we’d secretly most like to get animated with in animal fashion. In all honesty, many of them are hotter than the real thing, and odds on they’d be up for it. Did Scooby ever give Daphne a bone? Did Fred ever satisfy Wilma with his club work? And what about all those Smurfs grouped round that cute little Smurfette? We’d be naive if we didn’t suspect some sordid stuff was going on behind the scenes. So which cartoon babes had the sex appeal to better the rest? Here’s our top ten.
10. Wilma Flintstone
Flame-haired Wilma Flintstone may have been a bit of a hen-pecker – hell, she was even prone to a bit of husband bashing – but all the more reason to show Bedrock’s finest who’s boss if you ever got her in the sack. There’s something about the way that white ragged dress rests on her pert little frame that brings out your inner Neanderthal, making you just want to hoist your club, sling her over your shoulder, and carry her off to your cave – and never mind what Fred has to say about it. Any cavewoman this feisty is bound to be a sexual tyrannosaurus. Yabadabadoo!
9. April O’Neil
What is it about passionate cartoon red-heads that makes them even hotter than their real life counterparts? Take April O’Neil. The TV reporter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was clearly dying for some inter-species action, and who wouldn’t want to see the big-boobed beauty bursting out of that yellow jumpsuit (keeping the white boots on of course)? Yes, she plays the big sister figure when she’s not in need of a good rescuing, but you know she’d take it all ways from Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael and quasi-love interest Donatello if only they were on post-watershed.
8. The Little Mermaid
Yes, we know she’s half fish, but the other half of this slender submarine sex pot is all woman, as her oyster shell bra barely conceals. Naughtily rebellious, The Little Mermaid shows signs of sexual frustration from the get-go when, dissatisfied with life under the sea, she finds herself making a play for big Prince Eric and yearning after his kiss of love. But it’s other aspects of the 1989 Disney movie that reveal the sordid undercurrents stirred up by its lead: the tower on the original cover art looks like a penis (really), while during the marriage scene the priest appears to get a boner beneath his cassock. Fishy fantasy at its finest.
7. Penelope Pitstop
Star of The Wacky Races plus own her own spin-off show, Penelope Pitstop is where it’s at when it comes to hotness on wheels. This well-bred southern belle drives the Compact Pussycat (and wouldn’t we like to drive hers?), a mobile pink beauty parlour that matches her kinky get-up: white gloves and go-go boots, maroon tights, and a bright pink leather racing uniform. Oh and pink lipstick. That pink enough for you? Never. Known as ‘the Glamour Gal of the Gas Pedal’ by the race announcer, you can see why this athletic blonde bombshell has a pack of male cartoon co-stars chasing after her like rabid dogs. We would.
A feline hottie if ever there was one, Cheetara from Thundercats “featured prominently”, as Cracked has wisely observed, “in the pre-adolescent masturbation fantasies of millions of young boys,” all of them hooked slavishly on network television – and blazing hot female cartoon characters. That skin-tight golden one-piece suit definitely wasn’t to the detriment of this cougar-in-waiting’s slim-line figure. Again from Cracked: “Cheetara’s weapon was a bow staff she could make elongate by rubbing its shaft. So yeah, she knew exactly what she was doing.” Just ask Lion-o and the other cats.
5. Daphne Blake
Auburn-haired, doe eyed Daphne Blake was always one of the cartoon characters most likely to give you an embarrassing settee trouser tent, though let’s face it she didn’t have much competition from four-eyed Scooby-Doo co-star Velma. Daphne’s purple dress and pink pantyhose were enough to make viewers drool like Great Danes just to see the budding woman underneath. Yes, this damsel in distress was worth serious rescuing, and if that blond-headed prep Fred wasn’t up to the task, well leave it to real men – even if it meant being taken to the floor by one the flirtatious fashionista’s martial arts moves. Woof!
For years the only female character in The Smurfs, if Smurfette wasn’t getting gang-bang action every night, then suspicions were true and the rest of her all-male community were gay. Even (especially?) as a kid, that long flowing blonde and those long eyelashes were seriously sexy, and the white high heel pumps and frilly white dress Smurfette wore said ‘slut’ in the bright blue letters. This coquettish Gallic creation was the inciter of much jealousy, male competition and in-fighting among the other Smurfs, who loved her with a passion only the French could muster. Ooh la la!
3. Lara Croft
The busty star of video games and feature films has also appeared in some animated shorts, where she’s as hot as ever in her skin-tight bodysuit, ass-hugging shorts and leave-them-on! calf-high boots. Beautiful, intelligent, athletic, this modern woman archaeologist has got it all, and you know that prim and proper English accent disguises some seriously filthy urges. She’s used to being on top in encounters with men, no doubt about it, but we’re sure there’s room for a bit of role-reversal with this brown-eyed sex symbol – why else does she wear that long plait or ponytail but as grip? Classy ride.
2. Betty Boop
Innocently yet brazenly sexual way before her time, Betty Boop was the original sex symbol of the animated screen, a product of the dirty 30s, universally lusted after by everyone from Minnie the Moocher to male audiences everywhere. Short dresses, high heels, a garter belt, and a low contoured bodice that revealed cleavage she wasn’t averse to showing off – well who wouldn’t? Yet despite several attempts to take her ‘boop-oop-a-doop away’, Betty stayed chaste – at least on screen – though there were rumours of a single frame showing the starlet naked in her original theatrical release. Saucy 16-year old stuff.
1. Jessica Rabbit
If there was ever a cartoon character whose image belongs in the spank bank, it’s Jessica Rabbit. Husky voice, bouncing curves no non-toon woman could ever hope to be blessed with, pouting lips smouldering with unfulfilled lust, and morals crying out to be as loose-fitting as those red dresses she wears – this most sultry of animated sex symbols definitely does it for us. Oh yeah, and then there are the two frames in Who Framed Roger Rabbit where you can see her hot fuzz as she is bounced out of the taxicab. That’ll have you testing your timing with the pause button if nothing else will. Smoking hot.