10 Celebrity Diets (That Will Send You To An Early Grave)
Largely speaking, celebrities are small. They may come in different heights, but they are generally available in just the one width. Our research suggests this is about 5cm. Anything much wider than this is, strictly speaking, not a celebrity. The only way to achieve celebrity width is the celebrity diet. The celebrity diet is itself a slender thing. Narrow by nature, the celebrity diet allows very little to pass through celebrity lips. Here are some celebrities and their little diets. You may need a magnifying glass.
Beyonce: The Maple Syrup Diet
Beyonce Knowles used to be famed for her generous curves and high-octane performances. Now she is famous for maple syrup. In preparation for her role in Dreamgirls, she lost 22lb in 14 days by drinking only a mixture of lemon juice, maple syrup, water and cayenne pepper.
Our verdict: Nice with waffles.
Jennifer Aniston: The Zone Diet
Jennifer Aniston all but disappeared off our screens way before she disappeared off our screens. At the height of her Friends fame she looked like a little cadaver. For this, she thanks The Zone Diet. In a nutshell (nothing larger) you are allowed 40 per cent carbohydrates, 30 per cent protein, and 30 per cent fat.
Our verdict: Requires maths.
Kate Winslet: The Facial Analysis Diet
Kate Winslet likes to analyze her face. On The Facial Analysis Diet she lost four stone just by looking in the mirror. At the sight of a line on her forehead, or an open pore, she knows in an instant which foods to avoid.
Our verdict: Good for narcissists.
Victoria Beckham: The Salt and Vinegar Diet
To maximise her minimal look, Victoria Beckham takes a dip. Before an important party she can shift 5lb by slipping her wraithlike frame into an Epsom salt bath. To speed up her metabolism, she adds three spoonfuls of apple cider vinegar to a litre of water and sips it.
Our verdict: Add fish and chips.
Cameron Diaz: The Lunch Box Diet
Cameron Diaz maintains her svelte form with The Lunch Box Diet. Fill a plastic box with 60 per cent vegetables, 30 per cent protein and 10 per cent fat. Graze when hungry.
Our verdict: Use a crate.
Reese Witherspoon: The Baby Food Diet
Reese Witherspoon eats with a spoon. On The Baby Food Diet, Reese substitutes a jar of baby food for one meal, sometimes two. Liquefied chicken and potato, lentils boiled to mush, porridge pudding, mashed banana – in a jar: what’s not to like?
Our verdict: Wear diapers.
Mariah Carey: The Purple Food Diet
Mariah pledges purple food is best. Purportedly, she eats three purple meals a day to stop her wrinkling like a purple prune. Aubergines, plums, juniper berries – these are the things she likes best.
Our verdict: Botox sounds more fun.
Lily Allen: The Hypno Diet
Lily Allen thinks her way thin. She went to see a person, and it cost quite a lot. That person told her to eat less, chew more, and drink lots of water. Mostly, she had to visualize herself rangy, insubstantial. ‘I think I am thin, therefore I am thin’, is how it goes.
Our verdict: We’re thinking.
Jamie Pressly: The Cabbage Soup Diet
Jamie Pressly shifted her post-baby bulge with The Cabbage Soup Diet. On The Cabbage Soup Diet all you eat is cabbage soup. You only do it for seven days. Then you get fat again, and start over with the cabbage soup.
Our verdict: Too much cabbage soup.
Madonna: The Macrobiotic Diet
Madonna bases her intake on her inner compass, which gives her little latitude. While listening to that special part of herself, she nibbles on whole grains and re-thinks dairy, yogic foot behind skeletal neck.
Our verdict: For those bent on the microscopic.