Maybe they really were high at the time, or maybe they simply held too high an opinion of themselves: the sort of arrogance that leads people to believe they’re above messing up the lives of their children – that the little celebrity mini-me’s couldn’t possibly have their school years ruined by an unrelenting barrage of insults and bullying. And all because of a name. A stupid, goddamn name. Mom? Dad? I don’t care how many lousy films you made or embarrassing albums you recorded. How could you have done this to me?
10. Apple born of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
No, this name didn’t come to fruition due to a love affair – or marketing deal – with iphones or Macs. Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow and shoe gazing lead singer of Coldplay, Chris Martin named their daughter Apple purely by chance or because apples are whole, sweet and crisp. Yeah, when they’re not bad, rotten to the core, basically well past their sell-by-date. A bit like daddy’s albums.
Fifi Trixibelle born of Bob Geldof and Paula Yates
Any couple that names their other kids Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie are unlikely to have blessed their firstborn with a less freakish moniker. Fifi Trixibelle is said to have been named after celebrity activist onetime pop star dad Bob Geldof’s beloved aunt Fifi, with the Trixibelle bit coming about due to mom Paula Yates’ fascination with southern belles. That’s no excuse though. It still comes out sounding like the podium call at a dog show. They should have tried Fido Snoopy Lassie. Pedigree naming.
Moon Unit born of Frank Zappa
Frank Zappa was a legend, no doubt about it, but those same liberally consumed substances that one would assume oiled the wheels of his experimental musical output may have also helped him dream up some damn strange names for his kids. The father of Dweezil and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen first procreated a girl he named Moon Unit. Yep, barely visible through the herbal haze of the 70s, Zappa was the daddy of the crazy celebrity naming brigade, and Moon Unit set the tone for doped out generations to come.
Jermajesty born of Jermaine Jackson
This is our personal favorite. Whatever white powder it is that feeds the ego and takes it to new and unheard of levels of self-glorifying idiocy, Jermaine Jackson and partner Alejandra Genevieve Oaziaza (previously married to Jermaine’s brother Randy) must’ve been on it in copious quantities. Seriously, though, the ex-Jackson Five star is a guy who has said he ‘sees people’ from the 1800s if he sleeps with the lights off, so he’s obviously one sandwich short of a picnic. Yes Jermajesty. Hilarious.
Memphis Eve born of Bono
Perhaps it’s small wonder that a self-absorbed rock star who named himself after a hearing aid retailer, Bono Vox, should give his daughter a similarly stupid name like Memphis Eve. As if in competition with his band mate The Edge – who named his own progeny Blue Angel – Bono went all weird with the naming of his own child. Was the baby conceived of an evening in Memphis? We hope so, otherwise someone should tell the U2 front man there’s no such thing as Memphis Day.
Prince Michael II born of Michael Jackson
We know it’s not really the done thing to speak ill of the dead, but someone – even a dead someone – who names their miraculously conceived offspring after themselves while adding the cheesiest of royal titles must have been a bit nuts in the head. Oh wait, that’s exactly what the King of Pop was. Freaking nuts. Prince Michael II was also given the nickname Blanket, a word that in this context somehow seems a little too cuddly.
Rocket born of Robert Rodriguez
Father to children who go by the names of Racer, Rebel, Rogue and, best of all, Rocket, Robert Rodriguez is evidently a film maker keen to preserve the really quite relentlessly repetitious alliterative qualities of his own name in his bloodline. And to do so while conjuring a host of boyishly action-packed images – much like the Sin City director’s films.
Sage Moonblood born of Sylvester Stallone
This here’s a classic from Sylvester ‘don’t push me’ Stallone and his first wife Sasha Czack from the Rambo star’s pre-puffed up plastic surgery face days in the 80s. Also parent to one Seargeoh, Sly, who went on to write the script for Rocky, appears to have named his second son (an actor who appeared with his father in Rocky V and Daylight) after one of his early pen names, Q. Moonblood. Who knows where the Sage part came from? More herbal influence of a kind though.
Kal-El Coppola born of Nicholas Cage
Receding Hollywood actor Nicholas Cage showed himself to be the ultimate comic book geek when he named his son Kal-El, which is Superman’s original birth name. We’re not sure whether the other kids in kindergarten would see the cool side of this before giving young Kal-El a few punches in the stomach, just to see if he could retaliate with his legendary superpowers. ‘He’ll be OK as long as they don’t break out the kryptonite,’ Cage is reported to have said. Yeah thanks dad.
Bluebell Madonna born of Geri Halliwell
Last but by no means least (certainly in voluptuousness stakes), Geri Halliwell, formerly known as Ginger Spice, who decided to name her own bouncing baby Bluebell Madonna. We’re presuming the second part of the name is an ode to our Madge, a real Queen of Pop. Who knows where Bluebell blossomed from? Frankly, who cares? It’s a dumb name. That’s all you need to know.